Justice and Respect Letters Gays and Exgays: Sharing the Pain of the Past by Tom Cole (Nov. 22, 1999)

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One man reflects on whether, given our common histories of torment by anti-gay hatred, there is really so much to separate us.

Recently the mother of Matthew Shepard, a gay man who was brutally beaten and murdered in Wyoming, wrote a letter which is being sent out to Nashville area high school counselors. "I believe that my son was killed because somehow, somewhere, his killers learned that the lives of gay people are not as worthy of respect, dignity and honor as the lives of other people," Judy Shepard wrote in the letter.

As a child and young man, I was subject to ridicule, harassment and violence on a continual basis. Each day was filled with dread and anticipation of harsh words and violent actions because of my perceived sexuality. Twenty years ago I found a safe haven within the gay community in the Detroit area. For the first time in my life, I felt accepted and loved for who I was.

So what's so different about my story than all the other testimonials of harassment and violence as a gay youth? I am now a self-identified former homosexual. I married a former lesbian 11 years ago and now raise a family of four children with my wife. I am the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, an affiliate of Exodus International, a network of Christian ministries offering support to men and women whose religious views lead them to renounce homosexual relationships and gay identity. ++

Yet my outrage at the continued oppression and abuse of gay, and perceived gay youth has not abated, rather it has been quickened.

My lack of interest in contact sports alienated me from the other boys in the neighborhood. Moreover I took a hard line stance toward pacifism. I believed that violence of any kind was appalling. As far back as I can remember I was called a fag, a queer, or a sissy. Although I did not fully understand the meaning of these terms, I began to identify with them. School became a dichotomy; wanting and loving to learn, yet fearing the daily harassment and violence. I was chased from school and beat up nearly everyday of my elementary school life. I wouldn't fight back, but bitterness became my friend.

I recently read the story of a mother in New York state, and I could see myself in her son. According to an article in the November 12th Clifton Park (NY) Spotlight, a mother testified to the school board that her son has a history of being harassed by certain students because of his sexual orientation. The mother said, "They circled in behind him and in front of him. When he fell, he picked up the stick on the ground. My son hit, not stabbed, the students around the back of the head. Her son was suspended from school for a stabbing which he denies. According to his statement, "They've been harassing me since they heard I was gay. Every time they would see me, they would yell 'Hey, there's that stupid fag', or 'Hey did you screw any guys lately?' I'm sorry that someone was injured; I wish it had never gotten this far."

In March of 1998 there was a workshop at the regional GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) conference in Ann Arbor, entitled "Working with Conservative Christians". Two other ministry directors and I proclaimed that we stood with GLSEN in our desire to see anti-gay hatred eradicated from the hearts and minds of young people everywhere. We had read "Bruised Bodies, Bruised Spirits," a report by Metro-Detroit GLSEN which shows the prevalence and denial of violence against gay and perceived gay youth. I said then, and the offer still stands, I am ready to share my story of childhood harassment and abuse with any who oppose the adoption of GLSEN anti-harassment policies. I would like conservative Christians to see through the lens of a man who shares their religious convictions and grew up tormented by anti-gay hatred.

Violence against gay youth is not a myth, nor is it going away. Dr. Karen Franklin, a researcher on the causes of anti-gay violence, concludes from her study that "the majority of young people who harass, bully and assault sexual minorities do not fit the stereotype of the hate-filled extremist. Rather, they are average young people who often do not see anything wrong with their behavior. And the reason they do not see anything wrong is simple -- no one is telling them that it is wrong."

Judy Shepard and Karen Franklin are correct.

The conservative Christian Church which is strident in its condemnation of homosexual behavior seems to be in denial about targeted attacks on gay and lesbian youth. We must reach out with a clarion call. We must stand up and voice our opposition to violence and hateful words.  + We must be clear that the lives of gay people are worthy of respect, dignity and honor as those created in the very image of God.

______________

Tom Cole and his family appear in a television commercial in support of Exodus International.

His email address is tomcole@recmin.org
 

 
+ Note: an earlier version released in error on 11/24/99 , but bearing the same meaning, read "worthy... as our own lives".)
++ An earlier version read "... led them to renounce homosexuality"
Tom's email address has been updated (March 2001).

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