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THE FATHER ALWAYS [ BY RON BELGAU; 1999 ] |
RON BELGAU | This essay is a response to Mel White's call for personal stories about dealing with the Church's attitudes towards gay and lesbians. I disagree with Mel's efforts to gain acceptance for homosexual activity. I believe homosexual sex is a sin, and have traveled around Washington State to speak to Christian groups in defense of traditional sexual ethics. However, I believe that the Church must not only preach the truth about sexuality, it must also confront those within the Church who fail to preach the truth in love. These reflections explore the damage done when the truth is divorced from love. I believe that many conservative Christians like myself desire to respond in a truly Christ-like manner to those who struggle with homosexuality, and hope that my words can help guide Jerry Falwell as he strives to respond as Christ would respond to Mel's delegation to Lynchburg.
Pain and Prejudice
Long before children learn what the words "fag" or "queer" mean, they learn that they are among the worst insults in the book.Ý They learn to fear having those words applied to themselves.Ý They learn to apply them to the outcasts.
And then puberty arrives. A few of the children realize with horror that they are attracted to members of their own gender. This usually happens in middle school or high school, the age at which anti-gay comments and teasing are at their peak.
Roger was a friend (or at least an acquaintance) with whom I graduated high school.Ý When he was in middle school (he and I attended different middle schools), another boy got an erection in the showers after P.E.Ý Roger and some of his friends beat this kid up using baseball bats, leaving him hospitalized for several days.Ý Roger and his friends were suspended from school for a few days. At the time he graduated from high school, Roger still couldnít understand why he had been suspended ñ beating up fags was a good thing, wasnít it?Ý
When I was at the University of Washington, I lived on the ninth floor of McMahon Hall. McMahon Hall is divided up into clusters; each cluster has five rooms, a bathroom, a common room, and a balcony. Among my clustermates was Goliath, a freshman on the football team.Ý A couple of months into the year, my roommate snuck into my diary and showed it to several of his friends, including Goliath. Thus they all found out that I was gay.
They also would have read that I was a virgin and planning to remain celibate, but that didnít apparently make much difference.
On several occasions when I was in the cafeteria, Goliath would call out to me across the room, prefacing his remarks with, "hey, faggot."Ý One night when I came back to the cluster, Goliath was drunk and in a very bad mood ñ he had been arrested for marijuana possession the night before. Anyway, he started talking about throwing the faggot off the balcony ñ a nine-floor drop onto concrete.Ý I left quickly and stayed with a friend for a few days.
In mentioning these incidents, it is possible to give a false impression. Of the 35,000 students who shared the University of Washington with me, 34,999 did not threaten to throw me off the balcony.Ý Of the 800 students in Rogerís middle school, 795 did not join Roger and his friends in beating up the boy in the locker room.Ý But nobody stood up to Roger and his friends and told them not to attack. When Goliath threatened me, there were about a dozen people in the room.Ý Nobody told him to shut up.Ý Perhaps if he had taken me out to the balcony and actually started pushing me over the railing, some would have spoken up.Ý Perhaps not. One cannot be certain, and thatís what can make it so frightening to grapple with the question, "what if my classmates find out?"
Roger was never a social outcast; he was a member (though certainly not a leader) of the "popular crowd" in high school. The social powers that be in the world of high school either forgave or congratulated his brutal beating of the fag. They were not so generous to those suspected of being fags.Ý
In truth, if we focus on these kind of violent incidents or threats of violence, we will miss the real locus of pain for gay and lesbian youth. Statistically, it is probably more likely that I will die in a plane crash than that I will be the victim of a Matthew Shepard-style hate crime. I have suffered more bodily harm from riding my bicycle than I did from Goliath.
But there is much more to the story.
Sexuality is a very central part of our identity. And generally, middle school and high school are the times when we try to sort through what this means for us. Who is interested in whom, who is going with whom, these are very important questions for high school social life. Boys boast of their conquests in locker rooms. Mothers walk a delicate line between fearing for their children's moral standards and scheming with other mothers to make a suitable match for their children. The Homecoming Dance, Junior Prom, and Senior Ball are the biggest social events on the high school social calendar.
We may now define more clearly the crucible in which we who are attracted to our own gender come of age. First, there are a few whose hatred can and sometimes does turn violent. Second, there are the many who do not actively stand up against that hatred. Third, there is the isolation and fear which we feel in this environment. Fourth, there is the inner dislocation and shame which we experience as we try to survive. |
Adolescence is, of course, a very difficult time for everyone; everyone has secrets, fears, and insecurities. Social life, dating, and romance can be very frustrating for heterosexuals as well. But they don't have to worry that their friend Roger will come after them with a baseball bat if they ever give an honest answer to the question, "Who are you interested in?" However wide the gap is between their real self with all its insecurities and fears and their carefully packaged public face, there are significant connections. Even if the girl they are interested in thinks they are a pimple-faced geek, they can at least tell their other pimple-faced geek friends whom they are interested in. Even if society has labeled them a nerd, they can band together with other nerds for support. Students mocked for their race can go home to a family which understands racism and can be supportive and sympathetic. Girls frustrated with boys' sexual harassment can go to their mothers, who likely dealt with the same issues growing up.
But when I realized that I was attracted to other guys, the last thing I wanted to do was to tell anyone. Which meant that navigating the continual conversations about dating and romance was like navigating a minefield, with the constant threat that a wrong turning would destroy everything.
This had two results. First, it meant that I found myself relentlessly splitting into two parts: an academically focused over-achiever who didn't have time for dating, but enjoyed many friendships, won honors, and who seemed to have everything; and a very lonely, sometimes suicidal, often very confused kid trying to find his way, to find friendship, and maybe love. The second result of remaining silent, and of the silence of others in my high school who were dealing with the same issues, was that we were alone. The nerds could commiserate with other nerds; the minorities could talk to other minority students and to their parents; and we had nobody.
My successful and confident mask achieved a lot both academically and socially. It was nominated for homecoming royalty (I withdrew). It had friends, it won honors, and it made my parents, my Church, and my community proud. But it was too far removed from my real self to give me any sense of connection to its accomplishments. I knew that it had made my parents proud and my Church and my community proud. But I knew my father's attitude toward gays; I knew my Church's attitude toward gays; and I knew my community's attitude toward gays. It had made them proud; but I knew that there was nothing more shameful than a homosexual, and so clearly I would not make them proud.
We may now define more clearly the crucible in which we who are attracted to our own gender come of age. First, there are a few whose hatred can and sometimes does turn violent. Second, there are the many who do not actively stand up against that hatred. Third, there is the isolation and fear which we feel in this environment. Fourth, there is the inner dislocation and shame which we experience as we try to survive.